The Analog Internet

There's something much better than the regular Internet -it's the analog Internet. On the analog Internet, Everything is much warmer and fuller on the analog Internet. You're probably reading this post on the regular digital internet, but if you were on the analog Internet, you'd say, "wow. Warm post!"

The Analog Internet has this effect because it runs on tubes instead of cold, integrated circuits (brr!). A computer on the analog Internet usually has a vinyl hard disk. Also, it uses different connections. Think of two cups connected by a string. Then think of a bunch of cups and strings, all tangled up. Now, put one cup in your computer's cup holder. You're on the analog Internet.

Everyone knows the regular digital internet was invented by Al Gore and Prince, when they worked together at Los Alamos. The analog internet was invented by two kids in a garage, and they Did It Yourself. It's warm like those kids, higher highs and lower lows. When you go to MySpace on the analog internet, all those people come alive and leap from the screen, shouting and dancing around!

When I was a kid, my Granpda said once "hey - come here and watch me get the latest ocean temperature measurements from Scripps." He dialed a number on the phone, and stuck the head set into the rubber fake ears attached to his computer. As a kid I thought, "oh ok, that's what you do", but later I realized how weird that was.

Someday soon, no one will remember what a modem sounded lke. "Screeeeeeeeeeeee HEwa crumbcrumbcrumbcumbs shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhfzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz".

Tuscan Milk

Friends,

I was recently fortunate to have 2 poems accepted for publication in a well-known online magazine, the Amazon Product Review. They were running a special issue on the theme of Milk, so, as you will soon see, I quickly (but carefully) wrote these two poems. I thought for your convenience, I would reprint them here.

This is the first one:

Tuscan, tuscan milk
Husky tuscan milk
Large and in charge
Makes the other milks cry
I'm not telling you why.
From out of cow nipples
It creamily ripples
Into our hearts.
Tuscan, tuscan Milk

I also call that one "the longer one".

This is the second one:

I am as a sailor, upon seas of tuscan milk
Looking out for icebergs, I lick splishy splashes of milk from my sweaty brow, up in the crow's nast
I sail the tuscan sea, looking for a friend.

It's somewhat shorter, and also more free.

Now I know what you are probably thinking - "he's not as good as Mr Quickly." Well perhaps not. But we don't all have the wherewithall to turn pro.

Thank you for enjoying the poems.

Spaces and Tabs

Spaces are artifacts of the transcription of phonetic speech –implicated in the syntactic web as the non-phoneme, invisibly and irreducibly demarcating the sequential chain of meaning. They are the synaptic gap across which the signal jumps, they are agents, chemical messengers. They have no quantity or value – many spaces together is absence encoding absence, a wild proliferation of meaningless demarcation, mutation immune to selection, metastasizing through the semantic chain, like a virus. They are organic, uncontrolled..

Tabs are quanta, interlocking bands of stable energies, invisible to meaning but giving rise to its very structure. Their crystalline lattices bind the sprawling strands of organic syntax into a strict logic of irreducible uncertainty. They are pure energy, pure oscillation.

Something That Has Never Been Said Before

My intent with these posts is to express thoughts that are original - even at the expense of being intelligible, let alone intelligent. So, why not distill this object to its very essence: I am going to say something that has never been said before.

Goat paddles wag my engine string.

That's right: Goat paddles wag my engine string. I am pretty confident that those words have NEVER been joined together before. Not in any blog, telescript, novella, or marketing copy. In no love letter, ancient aramaic text, list of ingredients, text message, transcript, papal writ, or term paper. In no written, even spoken, form, and quite possibly in no internal monologue.

This is not a linguistic exploration - I am not tripping out on the synaptic gap between syntax and semantics. I am not having a Chomsky moment. I am simply saying something that has never been said before:

Goat paddles wag my engine string!

The gaseous state of money

Although most people don't realize it, money can sublimate to a gaseous state. Gaseous money has many uses, and is widely applied - in fact, you have quite possibly of inhaled a whiff or two, unknowingly, today.

The process of "boiling" money, while not complicated, is conceptually quite different from what happens when you put the kettle on for tea. Since money is a psychological, that is to say, libidinal, substance, it is not the application of phsyical heat that causes money to boil. Rather, it is the burning of a cathectic substance, such as libido, that generates the pychic heat to boil money. Care must be taken to capture the wisps of gaseous money as they form, using an appropriate apparatus. The spent libido may then be disposed of.

Gaseous money is pumped in large quantities into luxury environments, such as quality hotels, first- or sometimes business-class airport lounges and airline cabins, and fine restaurants. The very rich can afford to pump money gas into their homes. The gas can also be digitized, and then imported into synthetic environments, such as films or music videos. The conduit that transports and emits the gaseous money must be airtight, and resistant to corrosion, as leaks in inapproriate places, such as service areas, can have unexpected results.

Gaseous money is a powerful hallucinogen, although the effects are extremely subtle. When absorbed into the nervous system, it has the effect of modulating the resonance of the libido towards a certain range of frequencies, and over time these effects can be permanent, and may elicit phsyical side effects - although not as drastic as the effect of gaseous spice on the Navigators in "Dune", for example. One so affected may permanently feel the sensation of inhabiting a luxury space, even in contradiction to their own senses and those of others around them, and they may be less receptive to other cathectic elements. Nevertheless, applied with the proper precautions, money gas is a powerful aspirant and is exceptionally useful in many marketing contexts.

Gaseous money under certain conditions may form soft, fluffy clouds, often floating or gently gliding just out of reach.

The Drums

I believe that the drums should be a public right. Who decides which services are made publicly available in communal spaces? Whoever it is, they don't play the drums. Personally, I would rather play the drums than, for example, talk on the phone, or drink from a water fountain (yech), or dispose of whatever waste I may have on my person. Or within my person.

Subway platforms, public parks, and airport lounges are all excellent places for public use drum sets. But, without doubt, the very best place for playing drums is while sitting on the can - yet how rarely does one find a public restroom properly fitted out with drums. Yes, one could accomplish this at home, but it simply isn't practical for many people, as few residential bathrooms, especially in older homes, are large enough to accomodate a drum kit. Public "handicap accessible" bathrooms, however, are almost perfectly sized.

Corporate conference rooms are also an excellent place for drum kits - yet I have never seen one so situated.

One issue with public drumming is, what about the sticks? They could easily be lost or stolen in a public setting. I have given this some thought and have a couple of ideas. One, they could have a string or wire attached like the pens in banks. Sure, they often don't work, but drum sticks have the advantage of not needing ink. Two, people could just carry their own. I for one would be happy to do this, and even to share with fellow citizens should the need arise.

Clearly, our society doesn't consider playing the drums to be a vital activity, as we do drinking, or urinating, or talking to people who are far away. I can understand. And yet, I think there would be more harmony if, when the mood struck, you could hammer out peals of double-kick rolling metal thunder and great splintering waves of ear-shattering cymbal fury. Particularly in densely populated urban areas.

Just something for the urban planners, corporate facilities managers, and public advocates out there to consider.

She picked him up hitchhiking in Syldavia.

White rose, cure for alcohol abuse, sonic weapon, nuclear moon rocket, powered roller skates, color TV, submarine, soda carbonation machine, clothes brushing machine, wall bed
A South American electric fish (really). The gymnotus, however, does not generate enough electric power to shock a person, as the electric eel does. For more information on weakly electric fish, visit The Animal Communication Project.
Pisco (A brandy made in the seaport of Pisco)
Spit
A thieving magpie
Wheat, mineral water from Klow, firewood, horses and violinists
Bunji Kuraki of the Yokohama Police
The Rumbabas
“How are you? It’s good to meet you matey.”
Most of it missed by 48,000 kilometers. One piece reached earth.
February 22, 23 and 24
It is the Arumbaya fetish with the broken ear
So they could arrest him
Her accompanist, Igor Wagner and her maid, Irma
Eih bennek, eih blavek: “If you gather thistles, expect prickles.” More on the Syldavian language: Syldavian.
Cuthbert
Archibald
Bowler hats and walking sticks
“Danger awaits the one who dares to poke his nose in others’ affairs.”